chick im bringing home just asked our cab driver if she could do a line off his turban. i think im in love - or trouble.
Tried to buy Xanax from my boss last night. Wrong Mike.
Just threw up in a trash can by the ATM. Then pulled out money for weed.
There are paw prints all over my ceiling.
i was really disappointed no one would drink beer from our cleavage last night except for us
No we are not "bros" because I came out of my moms vagina& you went in there.
The dog just sneezed and it sounded like a person, after I said bless you I freaked the fuck out and got the gun
He took off his priest costume and proceeded to dryhump the teletubby.
I just want school to he over so we can build a big tent, do drugs inside it, and watch cartoons until the sun comes up.
That's all I've ever wanted.
He walked in on me banging his sister and said "you're both old enough to make you own decisions. Carry on"
Not sure what happened last night, but I woke up without a shirt on and cereal glued to my boobs...
I just jacked off to nostalgia.
To be fair, this is a tequila-while-rewatching-Benedict-Cumberbatch-as-Van-Gogh idea, so I don't know if it will hold up tomorrow.
I've never met a penis that didn't think I was awesome.
my personal favorite... An "I'm sorry you broke your finger and cant play sports for awhile" blowjob!
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