Great. There's a birthday party at work today. Now I can stand around and feel uncomfortable for an hour.
if i hurry i can finally have sex while stoned off my ass
godspeed.
you left with a lisa lampanelli lookalike... i hope she was atleast funny
This morning my doorman told me it was an accomplishment for me to be standing and conscious after last night.
Just filled up my pledge keg goblet with coffee at bp. They can judge all they want. At least I'm not killing baby dolphins.
Nice. Don't spend your therapist's co-pay on Jaeger bombs.
My nephew just told me I smell like apathy and regret. Thats the hangover I'm dealing with
I wore a firefighters hat and drank beer all night. They had to drive me home after breaking the beer pong table, they told me I was welcome back tonight though...
How could I forget your birthday? I have an alarm in my phone to ask you for sex that day.
I'm obsessing over hocus pocus right now. What if I change my Grindr profile to "come little children, I'll take thee away to a land of enchantment"
Just to be clear, the only reason you're allowed to scream "COCKTAIL SERVANT" at bartenders is because you have nice tits
Hey remember that time you called a woman a "man in a dress" and then threw up in a drinking fountain?
Happy 4th. Did you guys get your syphilis thing taken care of?
The guy that stalks me just looked out his window and saw me in his neighbor's hot tub. Get your shit ready the fraternity wars are starting.
How many hotdogs are you going to eat today?
THE LIMIT DOES NOT EXIST.
Randomize
