I've seriously contemplated telling him the baby isn't his just so I can meet Maury Povich
i threw up on the blunt... he was pissed.
Sex and the city 2 and twilight getting released in the same month. God hates mankind.
He doesn't make grammatical errors. Even while getting head.
you can feel better about your life now. i slept with a guy who has gold teeth
My glasses are somewhere in your living room. Also, my underwear might be in your bathroom or on or around your porch. Sorry.
Using a 12 year old as a wingman. Does that make me a bad person?
guy next to me on the train just pulled out two bottles of gin and a block of cheddar. is slowly making his way through all of them.
I haven't been hungover in so long I'm actually looking forward to it
Did you know they have a bouncer at Applebee's because I did not
who knew magic tricks and sex would actually go together?
You kept running around yelling "I need my pajamas" & then you got naked. Shit just went downhill from there.
Tonight is an "I'm lonely and single so I'm going to curl up in a warm, melatonin and vodka enriched ball in the corner of my bed with a cat." kind of night.
You were so drunk, you kept telling everyone you had a platinum vagina.
Tonights mission: get trashed, smoke a bowl on top of the silo, get some dick. Not necessarily in that order.
Randomize
