On a scale from 0 to 24...wait, 3 to 24, where 6 is the lowest and 12 is the highest, how freaking high re you right now?
Good seeing you too. Don't worry, you didn't miss out on too much last night. We went to a place where there was supposed to be a wet t-shirt contest, but it was more like two ugly girls dancing around on stage in white shirts. Everyone just wanted them to leave so the band could keep playing
listening to happy ending by mika while imagining him to run after me at an aiport in slow motion... also, dipping oreos in baileys. not taking this breakup well. at. all.
Gravity stopped and i'm discussing Greek philosophy with two guys I don't know. There's someone asleep on me. We need to use their dealer.
Drunkenly bought a $240 realtor course last night. Apparently even drunk me thinks my future is going nowhere
I know shes my ex. And I know she punched me in the face and stole my car to go get drunk. But it's the best sex I've ever had.
You're sick. Take pictures if you can.
Goddamn you thin people LEAVE FOOD FOR THE BIGGER DRUNKARDS WHO NEED IT
Dude I just saw a beer truck w taps in the side... It's like god heard my prayers and sent me a gift from heaven
Last time I was your wingman I had to deal with a girl whose only interest in my body was to clip my toenails. I'm not interested.
even my drug dealer wished me a happy birthday before my mother did.
you made out with another girl for some wings
THIS MOTHERFUCKING ROOSTER
IT KEEPS CHASING ME BACK IN THE HOUSE
FUCK THIS BIRD
Oh god...Did I just fuck a sugar granddaddy?!
Interlocking vagina powers go!!'
Oh god, your drunk again aren't you?
Fuck him. He can bang that skeezer all he wants. Fuck her lawyerness I’m a YouTube star
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