I love you and miss you, which in no way dimishes how much I hate the person you turned out to be, but I still love and miss you.
Why did I wake up this morning with 10 tally marks on my hand and a penis drawn on my tits?
There really should be an "avoid ghetto" option on my GPS.
"too many" and "free shots" never belong in the same sentence
Theres a live mouse in the toilet. Goddamn you this is why I don't party here
I feel like I ran a fucking marathon on my knees last night and there are bruises to prove it.
nothing says "you're fucked" like watching a movie with the family and a handle of vodka comes crashing down from your hiding spot in the ceiling tiles.
Last night I passed a kidney stone as I came inside her. Worst. Experience. Ever.
I'm too stoned to come over for sex
Yes that is a Krispy Kreme doughnut on my cock
I'll be right over
Also-when I die, I want it to be with my arms above my head so that when rigor mortis sets in, my breasts are perky.
I'm now having weird sexual fantasies about that riverdancing figure skater. So thanks for that.
If you got me high enough to laugh at a ceiling fan until I shat my pants you should at least have the decency to buy me another pair
I feel like I don't show you my boobs enough. And you deserve to see them like all the time
I want you more than I want a burrito.
I'm not as filling.
All I want to do is lay in my bed and eat hotdogs
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