I'm trying real hard to keep it on the DL how drunk I am at lunch with my grandma.
LMAO!!! just remembered you said this to me last night. "sometimes you post too many Jesus tweets. It's not that that's really bad... But I roll my eyes and you should know that."
I was drunk but it's true
hearing that almost makes me feel good about peeing on the coffee table
I have shoes on. No pants. And my jacket pockets are full of ketchup and grass. Yes. Good night.
They woke me up at 6am and made me drink a bottle pf champagne yelling "champagne breakfast!"
apparently i'm the only person who has heard from her since saturday. she texted me "burt reynolds" at 2am sunday
You mean the girl who was passed out face down on the bathroom floor until 10 AM? You're right, she was cute.
I accidently showed a girl my balls already today. Made me think of you.
Think of where it's been though. That Dr. Suess book, "Oh the Places You'll go" was written for his penis.
The less fucks you give, the more fucks you get. Kinda like "a penny saved is a penny earned" but with vagina.
i want to pour hot gravy all over you in bed
Are you alive?
I woke up under the pier.
True strength comes from lack of pants
I would've fucked Winston Churchill - rode that D like I was going into battle.
He’s 21. The president of his frat. I’m 28 and have a career!
Do it. It’s a noble position.
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