i wants your nipples near my face. PLEASE????
We walked past a group of guys in front of a bar last night and they claimed, I quote: Wow, we'd actually have to work for that.
It's impossible to flirt with the bank tellers because they see how broke I am.
I'm ready for this little girl to leave so I can hit the bong already
If I remember who won the superbowl tomorrow morning.. I think I'm just going to quit drinking. There really won't be a point anymore
The fish's death was accidental. We all said a few words at his funeral. Roomie wanted to play only the good die young as he swirled down the toilet bowl
My last two google searches are "shiny things" and "Ohio consent laws." you should visit more often.
The engagement ring savings account is now the strippers and gin savings account. What are you doing tonight?
He also gave me two gold stars for sex. On my nipples.
Dude, you can't even imagine the trip, I actually thought that there were Care Bears sitting next to me at the bar, I'm pretty sure I started hitting on the pink one.
My boyfriend just asked what time I was coming over. As soon as my old BF unchains me. I think he ran away.
You were so proud of your stupid "magic trick" but all you did was piss on the couch. don't talk to me for a few days.
You can't leave me alone in times of distress because I will fuck things 🙈😐
Wait, how many people just saw my dick?
A real best friend would support the hoe in me. Not remind me of what happened the last time I slept with a boss
Randomize
