Planet Earth isn't gonna get stoned and watch itself.
Tell your boobs to stop staring at me.
You know that it's no longer pregaming if you don't go anywhere, right? That's just drinking alone.
he made a joke about you fucking his daughter...i think youre golden
I feel like tequila heightens the sense of my nipples.
I just had a formal request to dress as a boyscout for my meeting with Legal on Friday. From Legal. Time to go home.
She told me I should be a condom model.
I miss the smell of you or some shit.
Siri just reminded me to pickup Plan B
Just your daily reminder that we're terrible people: the average number of men a woman sleeps with in their lifetime is 4
I just paid for weed by taking him to the store to buy cheese so he could make empanadas. Best. Drug deal. Ever.
I stopped hooking up with him and ran to the bathroom to throw up. He saw me throwing up and it made him throw up
& he told me that I give the best head ever.. like can I get that on a medal?
I POOPED CONFETTI TOO. Ingested unacceptable amount of it oh my god can I die from this?
Hey do u remember the time we used my mascara wand as a drink stirer?
Randomize