So when jo picked me up from the bar I kept apologizing and kept telling her "I'm just a wittle donut"
Your brother just successfully got half the bar mostly naked
he used a semicolon in his bootycall text, of course he's not gonna go down on me.
I just withdrew $200 in ones. I think the teller knew what was up
Sometimes i wish my penis was detachable that way i could take it off sometimes so i wouldnt get into these situations
Sorry for punching you in the face last night. I should have known the boxing gloves were a bad idea from the start.
She's a virgin AND a minister's daughter. We're one schoolgirl outfit from the dear penthouse trifecta
My goal tonight is to get arrested because what cop can say they have ever arrested a giant sperm before. God I love halloween
You know your night is done when the police confiscate your bra at high school basketball game
Last night's dream consisted of you, me, a sauce pan full of cocaine and light sabers. I almost cried when I woke up.
Im crossing my legs while on the toilet. It's like I'm unconsciously thinking "if im going to barf and shit at the same time, Im at least going to do it LIKE A LADY"
I'm really tired of this guy walking his chicken in my neighborhood.
There is a high pitched squealing noise coming from somewhere in my house. I hope it's a gas leak cause I'm over this week man.
yeah, but I wanna be the girl that makes him realize he's 100% gay
It was like Lady and the Tramp, but just tramp and the tramp. And instead of spaghetti and meatballs, we had whiskey and cups
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