Smith looks like a guy that goes on a lot of first dates
Latenightwjoannablackberrywontletmespaceitknowsimdrunk
I'm doing a half mile walk of shame carrying a trash bag and still very drunk. Save me. I feel like a refugee.
You told him your wedding ring was part of your costume. not okay!!
she asked me if i wanted her to take her wedding ring off while she was giving me a handjob.
I'm still reeling over the fact that you beat us all at Risk while you were flat on your ass drunk and falling asleep on South America.
I keep finding coffee grounds in my vagina
Which I'm also surprisingly fine with. If he walked into the bedroom naked, holding a fish in one hand and a lit candle in the other and said "Let's get fucking weird." I'd probably go with it. He's just that hot.
Met Dan at the park for lunch and the guy parked next to us was getting a BJ the entire time. Way to make me feel like an inadequate girlfriend, random park skank. All Dan got was a double cheeseburger and a large iced tea...
I got drunk and tried to make special rice krispie treats, but I made a mess and they were all stuck to my hands, so I just decided to eat my way out of the catastrophe and I think shit's about to get even weirder than usual.
So I woke up alone in the hotel room clutching a bible to my chest. Explain, please.
his first act of 2015 was getting stabbed
Any idea why my ass cheeks are bruised again?
The fact that theyre bruised AGAIN means you're not adult enough to know why.
Man it shouldn't be possible to get mad while you're stoned. I feel like ive broken one of the laws of physics
I’ve jerked off three times and taken five shits already today. Being hung over in your 40’s is a fucking roller coaster.
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