That's what you get for not wearing a bra and jumping on a trampoline
He kept saying 'your mouth is Amazing' even after I was on his dick.
Not cool at all. Last night I organized my condoms by expiration date. I need to get laid.
I don't know what you told him but please make him stop telling me about his new video camera and winking
He still lectured me about forgetting shit. Than he said he's gonna paint me green so I can stand in a corner and be a plant.
There was a stripper pole on the party bus. Was being past tense because some fat chick somehow tore it from the ceiling while grinding
And some old guy told me Jesus loves me and I laughed super hard and told him sinning is fun. Hahaha
Its not even real halloween yet. This extremely toxic yet briliant costume is going to kill me
You've never sent a girl a dick pic?
Call me old fashioned
I just want to drink cheap wine and throw my bra at an aging singer songwriter
I made it to work. Still drunk. Definitely pregnant.
Accidentally typed message to mom that included word "kink." FML. Played it off as autocorrect from "drink" which was somehow more acceptable
So this morning everyone commended me for puking over the porch. No one else made it that far...
My roommate made maccoroni last nigh dropped the bowl off the counter knocking it into the dog bowl he picked up the dog bowl and started eating it claiming it was te worst Mac and cheese ever and if he wasnt so high he would stop eating it hahahaha
We got stoned and watched Disney movies all night. I think I'm in love.
Randomize
