I'm think I may have given your ex's number to a convicted sex offender.
Win!
Successfully pulled the houdini tonight. Check that off my list.
there's a guy on campus handing out business cards. you pay him to see if your girlfriend will cheat. the company name is "tying up loose ends"
I'm doing shots of crown out of a baby bottle. My friends are sensational parents.
Urine might work for jellyfish stings, but we found out it doesn't work well for nose bleeds...
the room spins SO much faster in panama
He asked me to coffee and I had no choice but to be honest. So naturally I told him that sobriety and monogomy are not two of my strong suits.
So his "youporn" cam totally caught me stealing quesadilla leftovers.
why are our drunk alter egos so much more successful than us?
LET US USE OUR GENITALS TO CELEBRATE THIS VICTORY
I'm not gonna lie. The thing I miss the most about him right now is the air conditioned hotel rooms.
I lost my vibrator temporarily and for some unknown reason my first thought was that you might have stolen it. But then I realized you would never do that because you know it keeps me from killing people. But I am overtired and lacking in faith.
a girl walked up to me and asked if you were my brother. she shook her head and said 'im so sorry' when i said yes. what did you fucking do????????
She could hold her breath for a long time. Best underwater blowjob ever.
You know that we wouldn’t even be talking about all this if you would have kept your candy consumption judgement comments to yourself.
Randomize
