She said she didn't have time to shave "there"
Then she shouldn't have had time to order the lobster.
Sometimes I seriously wonder if I could get away with vodka Sundays at work. Cuz this red bull feels naked.
i dont care how hungover you are, go back to the frat house and get him. HE IS 11.
I just told him he had gained a new brother. He immediately knew I meant the eskimo kind.
You left something at the house but since I'm back home now so I can just mail it over. Address?
I didn't realize you could put dignity in a box these days.
Funny how I'm trusting a magic 8 ball I found in the kids toy section to tell me about my sex life
he's a fucking beast. people that don't even know him have started calling him "puke and raleigh"
There's a girl passed out on the sidewalk at the parade. Its not even 10am. She gave candy to children saying it was ketchup. Still think I have a problem?
I expected better sex from someone with the word CHAOS tattooed above his dick. But on the bright side, he was down to watch a documentary on Honey Badgers afterwards so I guess I'll keep him around.
My FitBit tracked the calories I burned during sex. Hello 2015!
She can't even plan ahead to have toilet paper for her next shit
Pretty much all i've had today is sugar and orgasms
Honestly after an incomprehensible political rant yoga seems like the best option at 2 am
HIGH AS FUCK. JUST WATCHED THE TRIPPIEST VIDEO EVER. IM NOT SCARED OF PANDAS. I GOTTA GO. TRIPPIN AGAIN
you yelled, puked and cried then passed out in the fetal position in your underwear
Randomize
