I just broke up with Liz. I feel awful so I put two free rentals on her Blockbuster account.
You said you were collecting Asians for your Kate Gosselin costume.
I spent all day at the mall with her, then she made me actually watch a walk to remember then decided to tell me she was on her period. This one is either really crafty or I am really desperate.
I'm too tired to go all the way tonight, especially if you're going to quote Katy Perry at me during
Just found a picture of me licking the bouncers ear last night
There are now half chewed girl scout cookies plastered to my windshield. Do you know anything about this?
So glad I decided to show up and puke in your trashcan.
These are the moments that bond souls forever.
Using a miniature baseball bat to kill a mosquito in the house may not have been the most efficient or safest way, but that thing is fucking dead. However, so are three wine glasses, a lamp, and my baseball bat privileges. Worth it.
We hit a deer while we were singing an acapella version of "I will always love you"
I know, but the fabulousness of my baggies should not be what defines my business as a drug dealer.
I woke up with a meat pie in my hand and my mouth tasting like an ashtray. I'm a catch, really!
We should probably feel disgusted that we took turns eating and drunkenly passing around a burrito the size of a small dog but i’m ok with it.
On a scale from 1-10 how wrong is it to request "I Hit It First" at my ex's wedding reception?
Definite 12.2 but worth it.
RESPOND QUICKLY THIS IS AN EMERGENCY!!! LITERALLY AN 11 INCH DICK!!!!! HELP.
I will bring Jesus to court if he punishes me for that
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