so high and i think i just ordered a magic bullet.
did you call within the first 18 minutes? can i have the free one?
Sandwiches are there for you when porn isn't.
I spent an hour trying to convert bar outfits to church outfits. Its hard.
He fell off the roof... he clearly has not been preparing for summer.
As one final fuck you to the courthouse i'm paying the rest of this ticket with sacajawea coins.
I'm sure me singing - rather loudly - "fuck me in the back seat" last night didn't help either.
My bed smells like stale sex...I want it to smell like fresh sex, I miss you.
That's the saddest description of touching yourself I've heard since someone said "I was just lazily rubbing my clitoris while eating Cheetos alone"
I smell like icyhot and vodka... Heres to my pulled tendon.
Just cleaned someone else's sperm off of my bedroom wall. Never throwing a house party again.
Word of advice, don't put your jar if peanut butter in the microwave, blue fire comes out
2 reasons we need to wear those onesies to the bar more ofter 1) comfy as shit 2) we both still got laid\n\nHow can you resist that kinda night?
You poured your drink on him and called him a "useless cocksucker" because he wouldn't give you a ride home... on his skateboard
I'm gonna send you a dick pic now just so your uncomfortable at work
IT WAS A FUCKING ELEPHANT I SWESR!!!!!
Nathan, I haven't spoken to you in 12 years and it's 6am. Kindly fuck off.
Randomize
