Haha im about to meet my shrink &i have so much shit to tell him i made an outline
I hope the prosecutor is a dude cause my lawyer is hot.
Drunk on an escalator. I fell like 15 flights of stairs without actually moving more than 5 feet.
Not even the dog will look at me anymore.
What would you have done with a 40 foot neon parrot anyway?
He asked me If i had cheated on my boyfriend when I said no he said it's like he doesnt know me anymore
we can add 'stealing hydrangeas from the sign in front of the credit union because we're too poor to have all of the flower arrangements professionally done' to my list of maybe-felonies
I have got to stop singing on voicemails. I just left my dad a 6 minute musical message.
I figure hes like disneyworld. You know youre only going once or twice in life. Might as well have fun and ride the rides
Sat in the shower and reenacted the "Wiggle your big toe" scene from Kill Bill. THAT hungover.
Well I just walked into a wedding reception and im currently eating a cannoli in the men's room while pissing
I'd return your shirt, but it got all wet from lying on the bathroom floor while I was in the shower with Justin's roommate...
Keep it.
I just want to meet whoever runs the hall cameras
hahahaha I don't. Watch one day i'll be walking along and someone will stop me and say "oh you're that one girl who is out. of. control." But then they'd probably give me a high five.
All I've done for this 11 hour car ride is kegel and listen to our sex playlist so your dick better be good and ready
sweet sixteen by hillary duff just came on and i feel like i let lizzie mcguire down for being such a stoner
Randomize
