im contemplating emailing my dad and telling him how worthless i am and how sorry i am that he pays for my life...aka my bar tabs.
No one will ever love me with the amount of puke on my hand
i woke up and the dog was eating spaghetti off my chest.
Amazing. Super drunk. We stole a street sign in a golf cart and went around jousting trash cans all night.
All I know is he mentioned whips, leather cuffs, and a riding crop. It's like Halloween, Christmas, and My birthday all in one. a 5 year old couldn't even possibly be this excited.
He explained how that handle got into our fridge. I think i'm going to stick with my original assumption that the vodka gods want me to drink more vodka.
He had seven beers and tap-danced on the table like a pro. HOW DOES HE DO IT
You're alright. You just passed out while we were having sex. Then I'm pretty sure you peed. So I went home.
I woke up with the Dorothy costume at my ankles, both sparkly red shoes on, and clutching ToTo....we're not in Kansas anymore, dude
end of the world party next friday. virgin sacrifice. tell me you know someone whos still a virgin
He said that I started crying after sex because he was leaving to go back to Europe after the semester was over and I wouldn't see his dick anymore. This is why I need to stop hooking up with the exchange students.
Don't take advice from me. I'm simultaneously shitting and eating cheesecake.
Spent 38 bucks on dollar wells last night. I'm pretty sure my liver is staging a mutiny right now.
DO NOT PREHEAT THE OVEN THIS MORNING! WE STARTED USING IT AS A WINE STASH AROUND MIDNIGHT.
What is the best medium with which to say, "Happy Birthday, I'm having your abortion"... Cake? Card?
Randomize
