My unemployment check should really just be direct-deposited into the checking account of my drug dealer
so I told him I hadn't been laid since Bush was president. Right after he cums, he says "Welcome to the Obama Administration".
u think ur still drunk from last night? i just put the eggs in the freezer and the remote in the sink. I don't wanna fucking hear it.
Just lit a joint with steel wool and a 9 volt battery... thank you 3rd grade science class
you wanted the guy to gift wrap the condoms
Just so we're on the same page, we cannot have been the first people to have ever thought about shooting that guy with crossbow
I stopped understanding conversations unrelated to vodka two vodkas ago.
then my gynecologist said "its like opening up buried treasure"
I'm bleeding from my lower lip, and I have bruises around my neck. It was just easier to say I got mugged.
sudden memory flashback: you and i having sex on the bed, erin sitting naked in your desk chair drinking whiskey straight from the bottle while harassing you for your computer password to play some "mood music." high five. go us.
I would say I'm the man in the relationship but I'm cuddled on the couch eating cake mix and water.
I believe in using alcohol to heal from the inside. Not as a topical solution.
He was peeing on the back wall of a building. He would have been okay if the building hadn't been a police station.
AHHHHHHHHH. I LEFT A GLASS NEXT TO ME WHEN I FELL ASLEEP I'M SO SURE IT WAS WATER BUT NOW IT'S VODKA JESUS MADE A STOP
I am no longer and illegal Moonshiner. I just made thousands of gallons of incredibly High test alcohol with police watching and waiting for thare couple of jugs so that they can bring home and disinfect their houses with it. I'm fat with money at the moment.
Randomize