I called Tyra Banks a whore to her face. A sure sign I should go home. Instead I went to the gay bar.
god please explain to me why there's blood underneath my fingernails AND toenails?!?!
Dude To be completely honest I don't think you want me to.
Just heard someone use the phrase "slut mustard" in a sentence. Win.
I woke up to them arguing over who would get my morning wood. Oh, and I was dressed as Santa.
Just got a full body massage. It was uncomfortable at first, but then I realized I let strangers turn off the lights and put their hands all over my naked body 3 times a week anyways.
He gave them shots of purell and called it "acid rain" jello shots. They took them.
I hate freshman.
Thanks for not stopping me when I decided to call my mom at 2 in the morning to ask her where I was born
She fell out the car soaking wet and screaming "im wearing a fedora!" then tryed to seduce him on the front lawn in front of his middle aged neighbor
i'm pregaming while finishing a paper on cardio myocyte contractility in mice. i'm kicking finals week's ass right now
My liver and I thought we knew what we signed up for. We were wrong.
Stop making Mac and cheese and sit on his face. FINISH HIM
Nothing says "lifelong friendship" like FaceTiming in a sex shop.
I was super proud of him for making a mature relationship decision, and then I remembered that he cheated on her. With me.
I'm sorry your Amazon says buttplugs now
I can't believe you're forcing me to handle this hangover sober
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