I just met lou reed's venus in furs. Her hands are slippery.
Dude, the girl next to me just farted. Worst part, it smells like astroglide
My lunch today consisted of going on the brewery tour with my boss. Free pretzels and two free beers.
I hate you.
To be fair, the beers are only 8 ounces each. So maybe you just kinda dislike me.
i now understand why he chose to have sex with my friend rather then me after lookin in the mirror this morning. and id do the same thing.
guys don't fucking realize that the only place girl like their faces jizzed on is in PORN, and that "squirting" is piss. JUST FUCKING PISS.
Haha, bad night?
All I had with a note saying that my shoes are in the ceiling and good luck.
I had to drink a couple beers this morning so I could attend the keg race. Hangover had to dissipate or it wasn't happening.
I fell asleep on the bus and woke up in Italian Las Vegas. Europe was a successful continent for me.
I just fell out of my doorway to go to class so if that doesn't describe how my night went idk what will
I had a dream that I got you so wet that you flooded my apartment
I'm trying to fuck him and feed him. I don't understand why it isn't working.
When your grandma invites you to a sweet girls' Valentine's dinner with your mom and sister, but you have to decline because you're trying to get two dudes to rail you at once...
I'm reading 50 shades of grey and masturbating while he's doing insulation downstairs. Maybe I can get him to bring me a sandwich
Dude get over here. Steven brought super soakers filled with colored vodka.
We're just starting to open presents and I already need a shot. This is gonna be a long Christmas day.
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