i used baking grease as lip gloss
the girl next to me just texted someone in her phone named Optimus Prime
...i wonder what he did to earn that nickname
I fell asleep at the bar. And the bouncer threw a snowball at my face.
Memorial weekend is going to be amazeballs. Jungle juice, drunk guys, and my vagina being stimulated by the vibrations of a 4 wheeler. I mean there is no way that can go wrong.
i dont trust my judgment anymore so im only going to fuck guys who can donate blood at the red cross. they have standards.
We woke up in the room with a hamburger patty on the bed side table, one bun across the room, and the other bun under my pillow. Still don't know who ordered room service.
He literally cocked blocked all the dudes that tried to talk to the girls he was with, and they all loved him.
Same guy who tossed the brunet over his shoulder as they left screaming "Bring me my lucky shovel!"
In your drunken glory you promised me, tongue, 12 naked pics, and 1,800 breakfasts.
I used his number to look up his customer information at work. He's no longer saved as Magic Penis in my phone.
I think I used my hospital ID to cut the coke last night. I need to swab it for residue at work today.
See I would make a great girlfriend. My surprises are sex and burritos. What else do guys want
I think I'm at a stage of my life where I subconsciously purposefully fuck everything up just to see if I can find a way out of it.
I'm not sure. But he has a pet sugar glider. So, points either way
As long as that's not his name for his dick.
You passed out in my backseat like a legitimate infant. A really drunk, really horny infant
I’ve got a lot of questions but the first one has to be where you got the flame thrower.
Randomize
