you better believe me or I'll punch you in the face
so he just left - touched my cheek like he was gona kiss me and then gave me a fist bump?
If you're ever in Seattle we should Fuck. Or get coffee, whatever.
Took an aderol, wrote a differential equation for solving volume of flow of a rectangular channel with change in depth, then masturbated for the 6th time.
There are rumors he has a square penis....ill do anything though....
I'm officially "accidentally set myself on fire" drunk
i like how i just referred to his pregnant wife as the "other" melissa and you didn't even judge me.
There is a large scratch and bruise about the size of a pizza bagel next to my vagina. Please text back if you know what happened.
she said i was like a little lamb and she felt bad for luring me into her den of sin. then she blew me.
Being a virgin isn't supposed to be this easy for you.
Slowly realizing that my only incentive to bathe is shower beer
I'm sorry for not being sorry about whatever shit I did to you when you were annoying and I was drunk. That is all.
Put it this way, at one point I was getting stoned on the roof of the strip club with one of the strippers while another one gave me a free lap dance. That wasn't even the best part of the night.
All I know is I was dancing to Shakira in his alley and I think rubbing my junk on his car door.
Lost and found: pink cotton underwear next to my bed and soaking wet Reebok socks or boxers in a plastic bag...in my fridge🤔
my personal favorite... An "I'm sorry you broke your finger and cant play sports for awhile" blowjob!
Randomize
