My parents just told me I first got drunk when I was 4. Successsssssss
I was more traumatized by the table collapsing while i was going down on you.
I'm so proud of your ability to turn my Charlie horse last night into anal sex.
First if all, whoever designed penis shaped ice cubes is clearly daring me to shove them up my vagina
Well I don't know him that well so I don't think I can give advice. You should make him a cake. Or have sex with him.
I resisted the temptation to hold the cake in one hand to alternate bites with the ruffles I was eating. I decided that might make me look dysfunctional.
Remember that time we got drunk tomorrow
I am alternating between eating dry cheerios and mint chocolate chip ice cream with a fork. Please love me because no one else will
You kept trying to get the girl i brought home to hook up with you by enticing her with 12 baconnators you brought home
I need to be drunk within 15 minutes of getting home tonight.
After getting rejected by him, I got a strangely pleasant dick pic from an unknown number with the caption: "I hope this gets you through the night ;)" It's like the Cock-Gods were shining down upon me.
I just chugged whiskey at 7 AM because going to breakfasts at Brendas doesnt seem right if Im not real drunk. I feel like when Brenda takes my order she can tell Im drunk and will take care of me.
In the name of friendship, I’m going to kick your children into the ocean.
I just quoted part of the Pokemon theme song in a sext... And it worked
I woke up wearing nothing but my red thigh high socks and a blue wig. I have no idea what happened.
Randomize
