They threw me out of the bar because I was arguing business ethics with the owner of th bar
my mom is pro-life. I dare you to fuck me.
I don't give a shit about soccer but I'm really excited about drinking at 7 in the morning
oh ps. last night you kept telling me to calm down because everything was fine cause you were getting "arab money"...
I'm going on a nature/throwup walk. Don't lock me out of the apartment.
They let me out of the holding cell just in time for me to get the morning-after-pill. Rock bottom feels even worse with all those hormones.
Just ate tuna on a frozen waffle because we were out of bread.
This is why you don't have nice things.
being sober in physics class makes me realize the regularity with which i show up to it still drunk
michael burned off one of his eyebrows making a pizza so he had to shave off the other one to make it look even. it doesn't look right, but I'd still bang him.
And then he said "if you were planning on bird feeding me that's not ok"
My new roommate just announced that she got her period, popped a percoset, smoked a bowl, and started playing a video game. She says she's not moving till it's over. New hero?
On the food pyramid big dick are "sometimes foods"
just like fucking own it. stare that cop in the eye and just keep masturbating "yeah motherfucker Im high as shit and this feels great"
Found a trail of Taco Bell hot sauce packets through the garage to our back door and cheese in my bra. I'll say it was a successful Sunday Funday.
I never thought I'd be complaining about having sex 4 times a day, but here we are...
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