We walked in and found his glass coffee table broken and you in the bathroom throwing up saying "What a bad first impression."
I worked with a girl tonight that recognized me solely from a keg stand she witnessed me do sophmore year. Needless to say this made my night
Important info for allergy season. An orgasm will unblock stuffy sinuses.
They put me in charge of something. Why the fuck would you look at me and put me in charge of something while i'm double fisting peach mimosas at a baby shower
I used his computer to order the pizza and the only thing he had in his search bar was 'text NASA'
Why the fuck did I wake up in a chair with mouth clamps?!
We got to his house at 7am and two random guys were on the couch shot gunning beers saying we were late for the party
You're dating a nurse! That's smart, you never know when you'll have a medical emergency. Probably liver failure.
You know I love you. I just don't love your penis.
Did you know they have a bouncer at Applebee's because I did not
I'm just trying to win a butt plug dude
I rode home in a shopping cart so there's that. MVP to the guy that pushed it.
I couldn't even tell you how many times I've said "wrong hole" today
She gave me a collar. When I asked what this was for she replied "I'm taming your dick"
Played Gay Bar on the jukebox and pissed off the Republicans here. Best day before birthday ever.
Randomize
