I dont abuse you, i just hit you while we have sex
I just used a tire swing as a toilet. I think I'm gonna pass out here so I can see the look on the first kid who uses it in the morning.
a drug dealer just gave me his business card. it had his face on it drinking a 40oz
Sitting at a bar next to a guy wearing sunglasses drinking a pitcher by himself and having an argument with himself over if journey is more ballin than kiss. Feel better about myself.
There's a middle eastern man wearing a cow costume with tequila coming out of his udders, but I'm not sober enough to feel uncomfortable with it.
I'll keep you from getting pregnant and you keep my papers gramaticallly correct
If a hot cougar texts u and says "back massage, blow job".... you show the fuck up.
She tried to leave the threesome and I heard you yell "Hey! We don't quit at halftime!"
she came back from her house with A paper cut , a 2liter of sprite with Bacardi , and half a mustache . we're inviting her more ofte
You kept saying you only wanted to drink until you were sleepy. You succeeded if "sleepy" means you sleepied around with 4/6 of the guys there.
I just realized that you're going to be drunk for daylight savings time again. Godspeed.
He's got the most well kempt beard I've ever seen and I need it between my thighs is basically what I'm saying
I would literally only have sex with a dinosaur right now.
I gave him a hand job in the parking lot... now he thinks we're meant for each other...
i had sex with a girl named after a fruit last night and it was the best thing to happen to me in 2020
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