the shit that comes out of a woman's mouth when she knows you can't hit her is fucking unbelieveable
So my mom just called me into her room and showed me a condom wrapper she found in my room. "Oh that's from when I was like 16." I don't think that was very comforting.
at john mayer concert. alone. to many highschool kids. i feel like a drunk chaperone with a pomegranite martini mustache
I tried carrying you from the bathroom to your bed and you begged me to bring the toilet too
Just pissed in my own closet. Had no idea adult dinner parties could he so awesome.
Highlight of the night: paying my cell phone bill at the bar... I need to get laid.
You know, I've never slept in a rug with anyone before you
Somewhere between the 30 minutes of cunnilingus, the improvised song about the Olympics, and the super thoughtful shower beer... I knew I married the right guy
She just pored wine down the turkeys hole and said that she christened it like the whore that it is...happy thanksgiving.
I took a cab from the club to the grocery store. I needed peanut butter.
Lets just say...I plan on being a bigger shitshow than Miley Cyrus at the VMA'S
What! You have to go to class. Otherwise, you're wasting money that could have been spent on weed. Gotta get that shit in perspective.
Yes but I said "let's get a dog" not a drunk human so some rules will be established this evening
So I have now fucked both my roommates...This is why I can’t live with men.
Do you think Ashley had her twin sister tag in for our date? The sex was different and I think a mole was missing
Randomize
