Do I give off a "I have a sex tape" vibe???
You were wearing a sombrero. And a crown. And told me to use the nerf gun to protect your room from the cat. You don't have a cat.
Remind me to tell you the "if you give a mouse a special brownie" story when you get back
Selling Girl Scout Cookies outside bars for higher than retail value has got to be the most profitable idea. Ever.
sea world and a strip club? BEST DAY EVER!
I'd like to stay optimistic, but I have this nagging suspicion my penis is in for a disappointing holiday weekend.
High me just had to pick the lock on my sisters room because I locked my vodka in there. I love vacation.
You don't know reunion panic until you've exfoliated your butt cheeks.
No. Not going out tonight. No. It's Tuesday. Xanax and Full House Tuesday.
I just had a twenty minute discussion about endangered breed dog breeding with an Extremely drunk guy
So many questions...
You took all of your clothes off and tried to seduce me and while trying to seduce me you decided you were too drunk and passed out.
I grabbed the pretzel bag with my toes last night. I think that day of yoga had paid off.
Conversations really do change when your social worker had your dick in her mouth the other night.
hot take: drunk me can walk through walls?
We were peeing side by side on the riverbank together and I felt like nothing brings you closer than drunken riverbank urinating so I caught her a friendship frog to wipe with since we left the tp in the canoe.
Randomize
