Ross. Joey. Chandler. Who would you do?
Well for starters i'm drinking vodka out of a bell pepper.
and this is why I hate my dad. He got 25x more angry with me when I wanted to drive a different route then he suggested to get to his house (more scenic- thus more enjoyable) then he did when I told him I was driving drunk with 4 people in the car and I got my 5th speeding ticket last night.
She told me a very interesting story, complete with pantomimes, about how she got a habanero seed in her vag
all i remember was you yelling "look at my little feet" at everyone on the way home from the bar.
Remember that time we became friends because I shotgunned a Tall Boy in your bathroom?
Those memories are both hazy and awesome.
I hear the sound of that stray bird you rescued from the kitchen but am too busy drunkenly masturbating to feed it
U should feel bad.. u r like a sex politician. All talk and no follow thru
Last night we got home from the bar and saw a fox outside and we lured it in the house with a piece of cheese. Just wanted to party with some potentially dangerous wildlife I guess.
I can make a sex schedule on Excel and send it to you guys
No. Not going out tonight. No. It's Tuesday. Xanax and Full House Tuesday.
Look, you don't know disfunction until you've sat on the john taking a shit and crying while totally sober.
my new years resolution to eat more toast and mastrubate more often is going well so far.
In the officer's defense, I was indeed pantless at the time he cuffed me, but there's a perfectly good explanation.
I slept like a rock because of your dick. I'll thank him personally later.
Randomize
