I woke up this morning wearing my tux shirt and jacket, but no pants.
______ was pissed. My breath tastes like tequila and doritos, and I couldn't get it up.
How fat would you say she has to be before I can consider this a threesome
My life has hit rock bottom, I'm watching a movie on lifetime about retarded people falling in love. And I'm jealous of their relationship.
Just desperately used the "it's a boy" cigar I saved from my\nnephews birth to roll a blunt
it was really bad. he went around saying "I want you inside of me" to everyone.
hey you sure the big one didn't have a penis she left the seat up
he's washing the lighter in the sink and telling me to picture unicorns. requesting backup.
we bought a duck. we're keeping him in our dorm room. don't ever try to tell me you've had a better freshman year than me.
I'm pretty sure my liver died in Reno and my intestines are doing hula hoops around my asshole. The bachelor party was that good.
He told me I was the only person he wanted to fuck in his rental mini van. Thats so romantic for a fuck buddy relationship.
I honestly think she should have her own reality show called "Lowering the Bar" and it consists of a camera crew following her from Bar to bar hooking up with unsuspecting drunk attractive men.
Saw a girl outside my apartment shotgun a bud light, then a red bull, get in her Tahoe, and drive 4 people away. Gotta love thirsty Thursday.
I need to shower three times. First to be clean, second to wash off all sins, and third will classify as baptism.
The best part of Easter was watching all his colorblind cousins try to find the eggs.
Just think how much she’ll hate me when she finds out I fucked her father
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