We will have to stop frequently for food, stretching legs, interesting things on the side of the road, and sex. So you might as well eat.
Wine smoothie.... Not as good as I thought it would be
It's sad because pictures are supposed to say a thousand words, and theirs just say 'fat'
They put me in charge of something. Why the fuck would you look at me and put me in charge of something while i'm double fisting peach mimosas at a baby shower
Yes, I am about to pass out on my beanbag with a mason jar of wine. Welcome to the south freshmen.
He tricked me into going on a double date with him, I don't like that he's not using me for just sex anymore
You should really trust me on this one. "hit it and quit it" might not be the best career move on your part...
I am broke enough to accept it. If I get poisoned, you can have my shoes
shes taking the breakup well, i walked in on her naked passed out wearing a turban with a bag of peanut butter choc chips in hand at 5 in the afternoon.
You'll have to pretend I'm texting you with buddychecks.
Like the Jimeny Cricket of cockblocks.
Why is my fridge empty save for a basketball???
Maybe. I want to have sex at the fire station, most likely on one of the trucks. I wonder if I can finagle that before I tire of the spelling and grammatical errors in his texts.
I am at a point in my life where I don't want to brush my teeth for my tinder date because toothpaste and martinis don't mix.
I was told I was gorgeous and a whore by the drag queens. My night is complete.
I dont need your sympathy!!!! Just a fifth of vodka and gummy bears...lots and lots of gummy bears to take my agression out on.
Randomize
