I'm drinking too much free beer
Thats like saying one owns too many kittens. It's not possible.
Just woke up with an eye that wont open, a half eaten piece of pizza on my chest and a raging boner.
Made eye contact with a friendly neighborhood dog walker while violently puking out the window. How's your Wednesday going?
We got really stoned and then we fucked. Then he made me a panini.
Oooh, he sounds pretty classy
Actually, not at all. We were stoned so he made me a peanut butter panini. With a Rollo in the middle of it. And he left the panini press on all night. I could have died.
We will go to karaoke
Okay, well, i'm covered in paint, haven't showered & have already been drinking, so if I fall on the floor in a blaze of depeche mode & beer tears, you can't pretend you don't know me
I was sat at the table waiting with a glass of wine reading my book and the hotel staff gave me a goldfish in a bowl and said 'heres your date for the night' !
nothing says "fuck you jocks from high school my life is better than yours" like bringing 5 grand in 20s to the bar
Waking up with cheese all over my clothes and my vibrator in my pants is a sign we drank way too much tequila last night
Did she seriously come back inside just to piss on the kitchen floor?
It's has to do with my genitals. Don't ask.
I was so drunk I got stuck in the middle of a revolving door
I smell like heartbreak.
Tequila and sloppy rebound sex?
How did you know?
I'm trying to imagine how upset he was when he realized that he had been cockblocked by a picture of a sloth and I am drawing indescribable pleasure from it.
i woke up with a shamrock tattoo on my wrist and a fat bruise on my hipbone. please tell me its not real.
Last time I had a one night stand he ended up stalking me for two months.
So you're not picking up this weekend?
This weekend, I am Angela, visiting from Calgary. We'll have to roleplay this.
Randomize
