i guess you could say your face is two degrees of separation from my balls
when I woke up the last searched thing on my phone was "how to make a fireproof dress" I need to stop drinking.
Is it bad that I had sex with another guy on my boyfriend's bed while he's out of town?
Just flip the mattress, it erases all
Done and done
My piss changed color midstream. Think that means I have a 50/50 chance of passing the test?
i hate always having to make my eye shadow look really good since my eyes always end up closed by the end of the night in pics
He insisted that I looked like Kiefer Sutherland, told me he didn't know what to do about it, then hugged me awkwardly.
Let's just do a victory lap through all of our exes.
I want someone to sweep me off my feet and you want someone to fuck you on the kitchen table. They're both perfectly logical needs.
Not too bad but came home early cuz business was shut down due to an employee sexually harrassing the inspector
I don't know how that blunt survived being in your pocket all night but you pulled it out at 4 am in 7/11 and tried to fire it up. Zero fucks given
If we had a dog do you think we would be less hoe-y?
Nah
bitch, i have a flask. i've got things under control.
god. marry me.
Do you know anything about how the saran wrap ended up on my toilet seat?
It's been a week I should not still be finding glitter in my pants.
I woke up under a house in Key West
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