We were so tired we rock paper scissored for who would be on top. I won.
She is wearing lilly and pearls while drinking natty from a monogrammed coozie. If that isn't a sorosititue I don't know what is
I just figured out that you can toast a marshmallow with a butter knife and a cigarette lighter. I'm like a retarded Mister Wizard
Eating Doritos is not nearly as enjoyable when I'm not drunkenly feeding them to peacocks.
who was wearing the fake mustache? I just found one in my cleavage
Well last time he got out of rehab he lasted 6 hours. So 3 days this time is quite an accomplishment.
I like to balance the number of cups of coffee to bong rips in the morning before work.
I'm really glad that we can be casual hook up buddies. This is a true friendship. Now, please convince your roommate to do the same. Thanks.
I was wasted and the time changed. I blame the male strippers.
Literally the fucking master of salvaging the possibility of a blow job whilst also crushing somebody's dreams.
Vibrator fell off the top of the dresser and hit me. This might be the most embarrassing black eye incident ever
I still hate everything and everyone around me. Krampus taught me nothing.
You still owe me one bodily function mess clean up.
You pee on the floor one time and you never hear the end of it...
Relax
It's hard to relax when a woman is waxing your asshole.
Dude, Kevin called the cops on the cops.
Randomize
