this is amzing! feels like my body is having sex with its surroundings!
Trying to find something to do here is like trying to find a vegan resturant in alabama.
I just got an email from a bridal website with the subject "Countdown to your Wedding Day"... is 11AM too early to drink the rest of the wine we have?
I fucking love fucking science majors-- she told me that she wanted to know if her gag reflex got better or worse with alcohol, and that her initial evidence had been inconclusive. So, next few weeks, yeah, gettin blown periodically. All I have to do is keep a log.
the last three girls i tried to get with all believed in abstinence... i think gods trying to keep me from being a father
i think girls just don't want to fuck you
If i evwr doyble fist jack daniels and smirnoff again, i hereby give you permission to take them both away grom me and give me and give me a glass of wat
We're in ER. He's high on morphine and I'm drunk. Gonna score some bed pans for jello shots.
You left me on the phone while you grabbed a plastic bag and started puking. I recorded it. Its my new ringtone for you
I just realized that there are baby oil soaked hand prints on the wall over my bed. Last night was a good night.
Tell her this is the Disneyland of penises.It's a magical place everyone should visit once in their life.
I found a playlist on my ipod with only one song on it: gold digger. confused, but not surprised.
I just took the batteries out of the xbox remote so she could replace the dead ones in her vibrator If that's not love I don't know what is
It's Reggie from Taco Bell, send me a pic.
My husband gave me a key to his house. I thinks this means we're getting kinda serious.
Just had a threesome for the second time in my life. I don;t even enjoy threesomes. Too much effort.
HOW DO THESE THINGS KEEP HAPPENING TO YOU?
Randomize