I wish there were whore gnomes that cleaned our apartment when we were gone.
You can't hide fat with big sunglasses.
So he says he needs "alone time" a day that he doesnt have to deal with anyone. should i be concerned?
I think in guy language thats " Im fucking someone else and dont want u catching me"
ive come to the point where weve hung out more times sober than drunk. i think im growing up. fuck.
When the tupperware hit the highway it was like a vomit bomb
Meeting relatives from another state drenched in tequila and smelling of weed. I'm gonna kill you for soaking the only bra I brought in Jose Cuervo Gold.
Why is it every time you ask me what I'm doing, I'm at a police station?
Using my graduation announcement box as a table to roll a blunt on. I've official stopped giving a shit about senior year
I don't trust his life but I trust his penis.
When the dude you brought home from the bar on Thanksgiving leaves before you wake up ... #thankful
If my life today were a movie the subtitle would be: Revenge of the Beer Shits
We ate sushi in a hospital bed, then fucked in a bathroom while I wore a gown. Pretty sure she's the one
My new dentist just kinda stared at me when I told him that I used to have partial dentures after breaking 2 teeth while beating the shit out of someone, until I puked them into the toilet and flushed them after getting high and making myself undercooked mac and cheese.
The good thing about country bars is that the men generally look like men. The bad thing is the country music.
I can't really text bc it's too expensive but I thought youd like to know I just shit myself in a gift shop.
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