You said you were collecting Asians for your Kate Gosselin costume.
it's not cheating when I paid for it
I don't get why Lindsay Lohan doesn't just blame her bad behavior on her twin sister from the Parent Trap. I mean nobodys seen her since.
i made sure i dropped the whole "im a yoga teacher" bomb which basically roofies a guys sense of judgement and guarantees he will sleep with me.
i remember you telling me to take a shower, brush my teeth, go get back in bed w her, and "just do what i was born to do." and as soon as i stopped yacking i did just that. you saved my birthday.
wine lets you be on time to class apparently
This is a dangerous realization
If you're wondering why you have playpen balls it's because we stopped at chuckie cheese on the way home.
I'm hoping my engineering degree will pay off when I invent porn watching in the shower
"DO YOU LIKE FLYING KITES" WORKED AS A PICKUP LINE. SUCK IT.
What would you do if your asshole suddenly made the sound of a sheep duck baa/quacking the words kill me
You are so incredibly one of a kind, it's astounding
Using mass transit when I'm hungover makes me feel like I missed my calling as a serial killer
Ran into a tinder match at the bar last night. We spotted each other and started making out without speaking any words to each other. Fuck yea technology!
You "drove" the computer chair around the party for a good fifteen minutes. you would crash into things, freak out, and yell for an ambulance.
I never thought my gollum impression would lead to me getting laid.
Huzzah!
just took a pregnancy test before I went out drinking. if that's not drinking responsibly Idk what is.
Randomize
