New discovery: doing the Helen Keller is not as attractive as I thought it would be, in reference to the sex noises.
PS- did you die? If you did just text "dead" to me, so that I know.
My niece just threw up all over me. My sister's breastmilk was on my face. This is like a fucked-up porno gone terribly wrong.
at least he left the skimmer on the side of the pool so i could fish out my thong in the morning
You know those creepy dolls that look like they are watching you from anywhere in the room? It was like that, but with his penis...
Worst case scenario, I put a giant cork in your vagina so you don't give birth before my birthday
Well his arms broken so they only cuffed his good wrist to his belt. That's how he cast smacked me in custody.
I spy something regrettable...
Oh my god. Stop!! It was one time and I still can't believe it.
I might be offended if you don't bang me tomorrow. You know, for America.
Can you bring me some underwear? I feel uncomfortable going underwear less at a Remembrance Day ceremony.
It says something about our relationship that he stole your phone to tell me about his dick at 3am and neither of us realized that wasn't you until just now
I'm so sorry to hear about your grandmother. Also how many grams are in an eighth?
That awkward moment when you hear your boss yelling during sex while you're on her couch eating Easy Mac.
the cop said "drunk and disorderly" like it was a bad thing
I'm sorry, but if I hear stories of you getting fingered in the ass, and selling weed, you are not coming to my party.
Randomize
