you can't get genital warts from dogs can you?
You know you're hung over when your pose in art class is lying face down on the platform
My brain is officially off for summer until late august. If that guy wants to fuck me, he better do it soon.
Well, at first I was really confused. But then I realized that he was talking from his penis's perspective... in third person.
You called a girl at 4:30am to tell her "your pussy is my top priority" while simultaneously Urban Spooning late night cafes.
It tastes like you we're too lazy to shower and instead just sprayed yourself with Febreeze.
You have a very discerning palate.
Are you proud of yourself?
ask me again when I'm drunk. Then fuck off.
We compared her boobs to bacon. I'm probably going to have to justify that.
I chatted up the pastor's son on Grindr during the service. Still ridiculing my decision to go to church this morning?
I just announced to Denny's that I'm not wearing a bra.
This weekend was amazing, 4 confirmed pukings, 2 cops, 3 hookers, one photographed t-bagging of the groom, and a night in an illegal gambling house.
Uber southern baptist grandma and uber flaming cousin just got into an argument about whether jesus is OK with gay marriage. Aren't these things only supposed to happen at Thanksgiving?
Did I just pee in the Taco Bell parking lot?
Yep. But do you remember wiping with my quesadilla?
Its nights like last night that make me want to high five my liver.
ugh my stomach is so upset-- didn't get a chance to take a violent enough hangover shit at work
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