and he thought i came like four times in 2 mins. my leg just kept cramping up
Nah you can have him. There's too many men in my life right now. I can't handle another dick.
Thinking about fake proposing to my gf just so the middle aged women next to us will buy us drinks
If I threw up, how do I still have the same piece of gum in my mouth from the beginning of the night?
I met her tumbling down the stairs chugging Captain Morgan. I'm not sure why she has the better reputation either.
Just spent the last 5 minutes laughing at my epipen. i think i'm too high.
Woah there. I lasted a semester and a fourth of college not having sex. trust me when i say keeping my virginity was an obstacle course of olympic proportions.
The virgin olympics. I would win the gold. For America.
Why do i feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear?
Oh my god did you actually lose a tooth
Pretty good. They took the stitches out but it still hurts like a bitch. The doctor says I should be off crutches by next week.
Well, that's good. Let's hope drunk you doesn't sabotage you.
Don't you hate falling asleep on the couch with a glass of wine in your hand? It's like dreaming about peeing and then realizing you've peed the bed only stickier.
At what point can I admit that I hate going to house parties?
I don't wanna stand in your shitty kitchen making small talk while I guard the quality booze I brought.
I don't want to spend an inordinate amount of time with you, I want to have sex with you. Duhhhhhh.
A black cat walked my drunken ass home last night and made sure I made it back into the apartment safe. Sat with me for 30 minutes as I struggled to unlock the door. Guardian angel or drunken hallucinations?
eveytime i go to his house my cute clothes always get taken off what's the point of even wearing them there?
Randomize
