Found my new morning breakfast spot. Hospital cafeteria. Nobody asks questions, they just assume shit went downnn
he yelled "RELEASE THE KRAKEN" then hit me with his dick
Its as if he has to do the exact opposite of what I tell him. Don't come in my eye, pfshh it's in my eye. Don't come on the cat, pfshh it's on the cat.
I'm so disappointed in myself I can actually taste it.
Does it taste like semen?
Do Not. I repeat. DO NOT DRINK WHISKEY TO COPE. You will end up in jail. LEARN FROM THE PRO
If you don't wanna wax my ass just say so.
It was the highest I'd ever been. I felt like a blob. A blob eating a burrito.
She couldn't understand why my walking in on her 70 year old parents ruined any chance of a boner for at least an hour. I think she's too slow for me to fornicate with.
ANNA YOU PEED ON THE STREET. LIKE NOT EVEN SUBTLY. YA JUST SQUATTED IN THE MIDDLE OF THE HIGHWAY. And you flashed your tits to oncoming vehicles to try to get them to pick us up
I mean it could have been worse, I could have been sober.
I just want him to get into an accident where he's horribly disfigured but otherwise fine so he's not so freaking handsome
...and with one comment dissing Hannibal Lecter, I suddenly understood why we never worked out.
I am texting my fuck buddy about fucking tonight, while facebook chatting with his wife about food.
You know what sucks about being drunk at 4 pm? Not a god damn thing.
Cancel your plans for the fourth someone is streaming iron chef on twitch
Randomize
