The elaphant ear plant popped a new leaf ! Wahoo !
happiness is walking an amphibious rodent on a leash
could you grab mr moo while you're at his apt?
you brought your stuffed animal to a booty call?
I love how adderall is equivalent to money on a college campus. just got a ride home and paid the driver in adderall...yeeah buddy
I made an oral joke and he laughed... That's when I realized I wasn't Daddy's Little Girl anymore.
He just gave a drunken 7 minute speech on how to make the perfect grilled cheese. he explained types of butter and cheeses....i think i love him
its family weekend so i'm givin my little bro a tour of everywhere ive thrown up on campus
You told me that you only walk into walls because it makes the room stop spinning.
My penis has a 100% approval rating. He has never received a formal complaint. If you'd like to file one, you can go fuck yourself.
I have to stop envisioning penises as dragons.
Well, I tried to shit into my refrigerator. It was a rough night.
I'm a terrible friend...i should have come right over instead of having sex for an hour and a half. :/ want anything from burger king?
I told two kids in their homecoming outfits to use a condom because of Ebola. I may have saved a life last night
Nothing says "single girl" quite like Pinot Grigio and canned ravioli at 11:30 pm....
Nope. I'm an adult now. I can successfully avoid to vomit in defiance of the porcelain god\n
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