Just got done shaving my balls. You were right.
i just ran into our bio chem professor at the bar. apparently, he doesn't follow the "no slapping your students' asses" rule.
I realized i make the same noise when i get a blow job as when i eat pizza
Waking and baking has revolutionized how i brush my teeth. Seriously up to like 25 min everry morn. Highly recommend
Maybe walking up to the cops busting our party with a "Things go better with Coke" t-shirt on and asking for my extra license back that my little brother got busted with wasn't the best idea of the night.
Had to. She was getting married in 2 days & her vag was having a close out sale. You know I love a good bargain.
Well, now that you have a gf, its gonna be awkward when I get drunk and make out with you..... Then later, pretend like I don't remember.
I just sneezed weed. Kinda wanna try to smoke it.
you left the hospital looking like the grudge, your mom and I were pushing you in a wheel chair and you yelled peace out fuckers.
I'm not having the "why are your fucking my daughter" talk and the "your a drug addict" talk with your mom tonight.
My dad found my bra hanging from my rear view mirror. Happy long weekend.
I think I fucked someone on the flight home last night.
Christ I forgot how flexible you need to be for a decent sext pic. Jesus.
I have a few Facebook friends I only keep around for quality control purposes on Tinder
His mom came while we were asleep naked and started asking me about my plans after high school... Is that even a thing.
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