He's marrying her, which means that she is his most important person in the world, so you gotta deal with it...okay?
i miss you and i wish you were peeing between my legs right now. in a platonic way
his penis is like a homeless cat. ever since I've satisfied him he keeps showing up on my doorstep ask for more.
you don't know how close you are to someone till they ask you to shave their ass.
'in an unhealthy relationship' should def be an fb option
His words said "save me", but his penis said "I'll take my chances"
Koalas always seemed like really high little puppy kittens to me.
Some girl at my gym just tried to casually drop the fact she can kegel 3 lbs...
I just took what could be the most awkward shit in my life, which considering my definition of awkward and my experiences shitting, is pretty fucking awkward.
...
I was sitting there doing my business and the guy in the stall next to me banged on the stall and asked me how to spell picnic because he wasn't sure.
I woke up with his condom in my mouth. I actually use them now you should be proud of me.
They're playing house music in my dentists office again, wtf is wrong with these people. That's not the music you want to get a root canal to
I just swallowed some ecstasy stuck in my nose from last night. Work should be interesting.
He KNOWS ALL THE WORDS TO "JESUS IS MY FRIEND", I swear if he even tries to pull shit with me I'm becoming an actual nun.
Fun fact: My predictive text now prompts "walrus" as the most likely word to follow "intoxicated"...
He has a syndrome called asshole. And it flares up 24/7.
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