Firetruck pulls up, fireman jumps out n knocks on my door, asks "do you know where Johnny lives?"
Just asked my dog if he was proud of me for making it home. That drunk.
Am I undercharging for one hour of sex per essay? I need a serious business answer.
at least i was responsible enough to take off my shoe and throw up in it
Apparently he's taking the slut he cheated on me with on a cruise for her birthday. THAT COULD HAVE BEEN ME. TITANTIC STYLE.
THEY AREN'T MARRIED. PUT ON YOUR HOMEWRECKING PANTIES AND GET TO WORK. NO EXCUSES.
He is so sweet! He thanks me for sending him dirty pix. I should keep him.
She's been drunk for three days now
Like three straight days. 72 hours
She's been covered in glitter for the last two and somehow she found a monkey
We smoked weed. AS A FAMILY. IT WAS BEAUTIFUL.
we talked about the guy being eaten by the anaconda.. Then I proceeded to blow him
I feel like I should be having more sex dreams of my boyfriend than his sister..
Only a true best friend would remind you to make sure your cucumber dildo is organic
Dave is getting a lap dance to the venga boys
this is not a drill
We found you in the bathroom at 1AM throwing money into the toilet making wishes. That drunk.
.... Seriously?
I think it's time for tequila and I to go our separate ways
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