wow, farting in latex pants is really awkward.
I just woke up in a puddle of boob sweat. Definitely time to consider a reduction.
i just ran into my boss at the liquor store. we didnt exchange words, just nodded in mutual understanding.
I need to get my pants from under your porch. People are asking questions.
i got her number while she was sitting next to her boyfriend. her actual number. i might be a superhero
We got kicked out of Walmart for playing cod with squirt guns of course it was better then prom.
She thinks Jesus was an astronaut.
It's a fucking menopause festival down here at the strike zone
What the hell happened to my hand?
Well, you got in a fight with a cabbie while jaywalking, but we got you to walk away. The problem was 80 blocks away, when you punched a parked taxi for "running you over".
LEAVE ME AND MY NIPPLES ALONE
First of all she starred talking about God which immediately killed my buzz
i have a strong feeling that today will be a naked day for me...i don't feel like doing shit
You know, finding my first grey pube at 34 is FAR more distressing than finding that first grey hair at 13.
I DO NOT FUCKING WANT OR NEED THIS INFORMATION!
He went down on me for like 30 min and honestly half the time I thought about those videos where people can smash watermelons with their legs and I just wanted to do that to his skull
I just sent a Slack that autocorrected tomorrow to gonorrhoea. Please note that Slack autocorrect isn’t very good.
Randomize
