Drunkkker than when I told the drag queen she was prettier than me
i think i have weasels eating my brain. Also there is a skeleton staring at me from the back of the bathroom door. it's an awkward vomit. come find me please
True bitches know their best friends favorite Boones Farm flavor.
He's drinking 50/50 vodka/water out of a camelback. Disaster would be a compliment at this point.
She's the worst person, but the best naked person
I want a bunch of melted cheese. or a penis. or a penis covered in melted cheese
My mouth tastes like what I imagine a hobo's skin would taste like.
I feel like our lives always have been and always will be a never ending drunken rampage full of pregnancy scares and lost brain cells
Some lady found my secret pooping bathroom at work. Do I fight her Highlander style? I made or may not be fashioning a crude sword from seat covers and toilet paper rolls.
Do it. DO IT. There can be only one.
You told the guy in Wawa you needed his hoagie for "a scavenger hunt" and then called him a "fuckstained Muggle" when he didn't give it to you. You are a delight.
I'm just trying to win a butt plug dude
He got the life proof phone case so he could jack off in the shower without his wife knowing
It’s just hard to believe you really care about me when u haven’t touched my dick in 2 months
She's kind of holyer-than-thou, like god himself came down and said "please cock block your roommate at every opportunity, and if you think she's thinking of sex, tell her she's a whore"
My parents left me the house for the weekend...you know what that means?!
Harry Potter marathon and no pants.
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