Why are you such a perv today?
This is a lot to handle
Oh shh
I'm kidding you prude take a joke
Got laid at the last second. Facebook chat is good for something afterall.
all her text said was "asdfhdaufhudshfuds" and i knew that meant come over
made out with three guys on the first night of college orientation, just imagine what joys all of next year will hold
I wish I could rewind to my 8th birthday instead. I wanna wake up, eat as much cake as I want, and have a Transformers birthday party without someone judging me.
The nurse who handed me my discharge papers underlined and highlighted do not consume alcohol while on my painkiller its like she knows me.
Theres either a bag of coke in my pocket or a bag of anthrax, either way last night got way to serious
When a guy wants to eat something off you and then comes back with microwaved strudel and custard, back the fuck out. I have apple-chunk burns on my tits.
Seriously your house is like the underground railroad for unwanted gay kids
I tried to find an emoji but none convey my excitement for receiving good sex soon
When the dude you brought home from the bar on Thanksgiving leaves before you wake up ... #thankful
Don't worry I sent a creepy stalker message to a guy I slept with 6 years ago, Sunday Funday rock bottom
Grandma and I are gonna see the new Tarzan movie, because we both appreciate shirtless Swedish men
Btw, the reason I have a black eye is bc I needed to puke so hard yesterday morning; I whipped up the toilet seat so fast that I railed myself in the face. Then spent the rest of the day more carefully puking. Kind of why I'm not in the mood for drinking.
I'm one bad relationship away from owning seven cats.
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