she gave me a schnouzer then wanted to kiss while we were having sex...i had to puppy slap her nose. pick me up out front.
Well at least he stopped keeping track of money by bottles of McCormick.
I wish Samuel L. Jackson would narrate our bar crawls
Me focusing on not shitting my pants is keeping me awake.
Also I think I'm starting to get calluses on my hands from my level of sexual activity
He pointed at some girls and said "I'm gonna have sex with them girls over there", and disappeared.
My sharpie cut off line was invaded last night. Where's my turtleneck?
My mouth taste like pussy and my dad noticed. Hahahaha
you kept saying "i will not *breathe* regret this *breathe* in the morning *breathe* i just gotta remember *breathe* to BREATHE"
True love: he brought me a margarita while was in the shower. He's a keeper.
I might stash a bottle of vodka in your mailbox, that way if I wanna leave early I can drink in your frontyard till you get back.
And that facial hair. He might as well shave it so it spells "douche" on one cheek and "nozzle" on the other.
Remember when we made out in a Chik-Fil-A drive thru?
Oh you mean the girl that gave me a black eye when I told her I liked her fake eyelashes?
dude i haven't had a solid dump since sunday and i still cant hear out of my right ear
Randomize
