If I saw Perez Hilton naked I think I would stick a lit candle down my throat.
She cheated on me with the same state trooper that wrote me a ticket.
I guess now you have a way to keep your license when you bring that up in court.
Dude, you are the most awesome.
You have to wear the princess leia gold bikini every Sunday
So should I finish watching Space Jam and then get head? Or get head while secretly watching Space Jam?
After the keg stand you collapsed, hit your head on the floor, started seizing and after 20 seconds got back up and said "hah, I remember my first beer"
I'm ready to get married, then we can lie around watching anime and eating pizza while he rubs baby oil on me
It's days like today, when my bra and underwear match, that make me feel like I'm getting my life together...
How do you teach a grown ass men how to fuck? Why is good sex so hard to find these days?
I took out a life ins. policy Thursday. It's okay I can die in Nashville now.
Of course you try to burn the house down on the one night we take down the smoke alarm so we can use the fog machine more
So. Um. Hypothetically speaking...how would one get a squirrel out of the house?
Happiness is laying in bed, topless, pouring 4 packs of hot sauce on your taco bell.
You some how ended up sleeping on one of the beams that run along the ceiling of your house
At Target. Everyone is stocking up on food and flashlights for this storm. I stocked up on beer. Dont judge me, it was on sale...
If I'm getting through this pandemic I'm doing it drunk.
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