as soon as you compare a person to an animal, all sexual interest is out the window
I am totally the chick from Intervention who barfs up wine and then re-eats it.
i refuse to live in a world where loud threesomes in your own apartment are referred to as "rude"
did you yell "are you not entertained?"
i wish i could shrink down to the size of his dick so i could just thank it in person.
I'm going to email her once I get off the bathroom floor
He pretended my clit ring was a door knocker.
Life seems so much brighter and more vibrant after you have sex with a 20 year old. It's like how Kansas was in black and white and Oz was in technicolor.
I thought my period ended but I felt it again as soon as Pitbull started playing
Also my vagina isn't a crater of death where nothing comes out
not a day goes by that I don't wish you were here or I there. Today it was because I had the desire to get high and go look at the jellyfish at the aquarium and you're the perfect buddy for that.
The cleaning lady has a form she makes me sign every time she finds me passed out in my office so she can keep track of how much to charge me each month for keeping quiet about it.
Strangers are buying me shots and I got hit on by lesbians. How is it only tuesday
Apparently nothing brings out sympathy in a barista like asking if they have a hangover special
I'm keeping both. The way I see it, boyfriends come and go, but a good dick is forever.
welp,tonight ive reached new levels. by new levels I mean,i showed some guys my boobs for water. on your tab.. the most pointless thing ive ever done. either we should hang out way more,or never again.
Randomize
