Just bought purple Ray Bans. If there was any small chance that I would ever have sex with women ever again, I just buried it.
Well hello freshman 15, didn't see you there until I tried on last years summer clothes.
becoming an adult blows. i don't think its possible for me to wake up for anything that doesn't involve kegs and eggs or half naked bums passed out in our yard.
we talked for like an hour, i feel like we really bonded. i mean i was simultaneously giving him head but you get the point.
Make good choices ;) This is your automated cockblock message
Don't try to dry clothes in the microwave. They'll catch on fire.
there has got to be a maximum amount of semen a person can take in before they get some kind of poisoning.
I was too sleepy and drunk to verbally annihilate anyone and ruin their reason for being. So i just opted to sleep with the fitted sheet on the floor
You know what I'm hearing? Blah, blah, blah, I have pneumonia, blah, blah, blah, I'm a quitter. COME OVER AND PUT YOUR PENIS INSIDE ME.
She told me I should be proud of my dick pics, then told me she was in love with me, then I dropped her off at her boyfriend's. I was a new kind of failure tonight.
Actually just remembered that solo cup full of scotch that random guy gave me for not farting on him. That's probably why
He didn't have much of a personality. But I had like 100 orgasms, so that's cool.
Because you touch yourself at night.
...What time of day am I supposed to do it?
Why did I wake up naked with a leg cramp and and extra $550 in my wallet?
you poured beer in your mouth so you could be a beer pong cup for her to drink out of/make out with
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