Manager just farted into the intercom. Whole place heard it. A number of people stopped everything and looked at him. Best. Night. Ever.
I dont wanna date her. I just wanna be able to run a blacklight over her face and prove ownership.
a cabby told me that vodka is the coors light of liquor, and then gave me his number
The moment that kid turns 18, I will have his sperm for all three meals.
Oh God. You're going to jail
Its like every time I go out with you, it always involves Serbian chicks and taco bell and you always manage to get both all over my bed.
Oh wow. Was walking and just saw her in the pool, fully clothed, ranting on an alligator float. I guess i should go get her before security gets here.
Took 45 minutes to masturbate. Fuck you Zoloft. I'm never gonna be diagnosed with depression again
Siri just called me GayBoy in front of my family. I will destroy you.
I didnt want you guys to know I needed to puke, so I just nonchalantly did in my solo cup and threw it out the window
I just took the kind of shit that makes your eyes well up with tears as you feel it moving inside of you... So cleansing.
As your only female friend, I feel the need to inform you that texts like these are why she dumped you.
I don't know, I kept pretending that I was riding an elephant during. It was actually really fun, but you can't tell him that!
You threw up in a empty pizza box at Pizza Hut and opened the door with your face. So that maybe why it's bruised.
Someone I just met told me they were going to name their kid after me. Daylight savings is weird.
I told her my blood type was O Positive and we started making out. Bio majors are weird.
Want to go to Victoria’s Secret? His fiancée is out of town and I’m going to try and stop the wedding with lingerie and lots adventurous sex
Absolutely! I love a good sexual filibuster!
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