Tell her she's as useless as a condom.
then the nurse gave me a bag with my personal belongings: phone, wallet. jacket, keys and a BTB burrito
well hello there hangover. fancy meeting you here on this BRIGHT thursday morning.
So I went outside my house this morning and basically my entire front lawn is covered in gummi bears... I think that involves you guys.
Apparently I kept telling the bartender that I was going to set the Guinness World Record.
Moms kinda upset I threw up in grandmas bedroom. I think ill stay in tonight.
The freshman next to me just said "I was rocking out on my way here to Dave Matthews..." I wish I would have passed this class the first time.
Yeah, but there's no serving sizes for dick.
I slept in bed with them the night they met. I once peed on the bride. And now I get to give a speech at their wedding. Piece of cake.
Ladystoner tip: if eyes are bloodshot, lime green eyeliner makes them appear less red. its basic artt.
I ended up naked in a pond with you-know-who and your saying your a good babysitter? Dick.
Homeboy was juggling while taking bong rips. Of course he got laid.
i made this one couple from ohio so uncomfortable that they left....and that was WHEN I HAD PANTS ON
Only my second night back in town and I already have drunk middle aged women doing the robot around me in a circle.
How'd your Tinder date go?
Well, I met his girlfriend...
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