New invention idea: vibrating tampons
I'm jammin out to some Brit Birt, she's still my bitch, I love her crazy ass
oddly enough my penis is pretty tan. the part of my body that gets the least amount of sunlight is tanner than most of the rest of my body.
I think its part of male evolution. Pretty soon they'll have diamonds on them and taste like chocolate.
I wish everyone could be as happy as the people in the laxative commercials.
YOU CAN MICROWAVE POPTARTS!?!??!
I could give you a full detailed description of 75% of the penises in that room
Apparently I was playing rock paper scissors against myself for 2 hours in the bathroom mirror.
Just got a lecture from Dad about how I need to be more responsible and start buying my weed in larger quantities so that i can save money. Like he was serious and kind of disappointed in me for not adapting to his method earlier.
If I give you a key to my place you have to promise to one day wake me up with a blowjob.
And by one day I mean once every two weeks.
Somehow I got food poisoning AND alcohol poisoning in the same night. Its like everything I love is trying to kill me. I'm waiting for my tv to make its move.
From now on I forbid you to refer to it as a "bed". From now on you must only use the phrase "sex wagon".
i feel like i should invite him over so he can cockblock my roommate one last time before he graduates. for old times sake, ya know
"DO YOU LIKE FLYING KITES" WORKED AS A PICKUP LINE. SUCK IT.
According to my Fitbit I was passed out in my car for 2 hours after she got us kicked out of the bar
the cop said "drunk and disorderly" like it was a bad thing
Randomize
