Nah got too drunk to function...probably could have dragged something home over my shoulder if the cops didn't roll
I swear to God, I saw my life flash between my legs.
I drove to my yoga class while eating a piece of bacon. Wow. I see myself in a whole new light.
You're the only person i know who can laugh and talk while puking
Somehow I magically turned down a threesome last night. On my birthday. You're a horrible wingman.
Three things I need a picture of: your friend, your bong, and your dick.
Just walked out of 7 11 still in uniform when 4 girls in bikinis in a convertable screamed "we fuck firefighters!"
Career choice validated
My fingers feel amazing. Their going like 100 MPH!!
HOLY SHIT. SHIT THAT IS HOLY. HOLY OF THE SHIT.
And I told him that even though were not together, if he has sex with anyone I would have sex with someone else, video tape it and send it to him.
Is there like a dick file on me? Guys can't hold two dicks anymore?! Who are you people????
I'm sorry I pissed in your bedroom and then woke you up when I tried to jump off the balcony
Thanks for having me over last night. Sorry I licked rum off your kitchen floor.
He was more upset that I got into his phone than about getting caught cheating.
*tries to be fun and flirty* *literally gets peed on*
I got there and she was on her balcony drinking out of a bottle of vodka and smoking a cigar.
Randomize
