you need to not memorize your credit card number for drunk pizza
He came on my face and told me I looked like a gingerbread house.
he broke up with me while standing outside, half naked, waiting to fuck him. i feel like a leper right about now.
Because when I say 'You shouldn't drink anymore', she hears, 'I personally challenge you to chug 3 more mixed drinks'
with your vagina and my liver, anything is possible
Bring condoms and burritos. The rest will fall into place
Finally better. I had to use eye makeup remover to get the purple wine stains off my lips
Well, he's moving. Now my only options are to accept it or fake a pregnancy; and since you are my only pregnant friend I'm going to need you to pee on this stick for me.
no im not bringing booze its easy, you just challenge a drunk guy to beer pong, he'll hand you two beers, you lose on purpose, and everyone makes fun of you. but we laugh in the end for bringing nothing to a byob
Recycling day makes me feel more like an alcoholic than regular days.
Apparently I'm not allowed to call at 3am anymore and ask to speak to all his siblings. I was just trying to get to know the family
My Internet history has 23 searches for 24 hour cake. Self respect plummeting.
I can't believe I haven't fucked an Elvis impersonator yet.
woke up with 8 used magnum condoms bound together by floss around my neck, thats about all im gonna tell you.
Eh, it could have been worse. I may or may not have been wearing a jedi cloak while getting my dick sucked.
Randomize
