Do you think Conan would leave his wife for me?
I feel violated. a guy just did an ultrasound on my balls. He made eye contact..
I hope the prosecutor is a dude cause my lawyer is hot.
Yeah like at least with a penis what you see is what you get with a vagina there can always be a surprise inside
My bed became a clown car for his family....I'm not ready to get married
He's like Medusa, you can't look directly into his eyes or you'll turn into a slut.
I realized I used a copy of a biography of JFK as pillow last night...
Happy Fourth.
The gas station was closed so we found old PBR and played Edward Nalgene Hands instead
Passing out drunk in my therapists lobby may not be the best way to confirm my "stability"
Rob and I are cross faded and the only one taking care of us is a drunk person who's making us dance.
I have 13 missed calls from when I slept outside on some rocks
I felt like I crashed a wedding. Everyone was dressed so nice and I was covered in actual dirt and a little blood.
Dont worry, the Canadians are more afraid of you then you are of them.
It is getting ridiculous, the elaborateness of the schemes I have to concoct so my suitemates don't know I'm pooping.
Honestly, this social distancing bullshit is giving me a good excuse for drinking alone.
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